THEN: Anxiously pee on pregnancy test and squee in pure joy when lines appear.
NOW: Pee on test and moan, “Oh shit,” when lines appear. Shake and bang test on sink hoping lines will go away.

THEN: Stick perfectly flat stomach out every morning and ask husband, “Do you see that? I’m starting to show! LOOK!”
NOW: Stick battered, deflated, stretch marked stomach out and poke at it, wondering how bad it’s going to look THIS time. Ask husband for postpartum tummy tuck.

THEN: Browse maternity stores and find so many cute outfits! Baby bump! Pregnant! Tee-hee!
NOW: Angrily tear through maternity stores, loudly muttering about how expensive and ugly everything is and clearly TALL PEOPLE DON’T HAVE SEX because no one makes tall maternity jeans. Buy Bella Band and plan on wearing it until butt explodes from pre-pregnancy jeans.

THEN: Give up caffeine and gag down planks of salmon because the baby needs perfect nutrition!
NOW: Wash down chili dogs and cheddar chili fries with a gallon of iced tea—guilt free.

THEN: Become a hypochondriac, feeling each and every pregnancy symptom and gushing about it to anyone who will listen.
NOW: Ignore the cramps, sore boobs, and wild mood swings and move on with life. I’m pregnant. So what? I still have work to do.

THEN: Wander through baby departments squealing over tiny sleepers and cutesy bibs.
NOW: Dig out stored baby things and find them all yellowed with iron-formula-spit-up-stains. Shrug and say, “The baby will only be in them for 3 months. Who cares?”

THEN: At 6 weeks, lay in bed every morning munching on saltines and moaning through all day nausea.
NOW: At 6 weeks, wonder what happened to the morning sickness…am I going to miss it this time? (Please God.)