As statistics suggest that one man in ten is unfaithful when his partner is pregnant, it seems that Vincent Simone’s pre-baby fling earlier this year wasn’t such an isolated case, as Anna Moore discovers

Vincent Simone and Kristina Rihanoff in rehearsal for the Strictly tour last December. They started seeing each other soon after Vincent’s partner Susan Duddy announced she was pregnant

The safe arrival of baby Lucas in August has surely been a bittersweet affair for Susan Duddy, the air hostess and former partner of Strictly Come Dancing star Vincent Simone. When Susan became pregnant last December, she’d been with Vincent less than a year, but she was living in his Guildford home and the couple had discussed starting a family. But discussion is one thing – a real, live bump is quite another…

When Susan, 36, broke the news, the dancer, who has been dubbed the ‘Italian stallion’, showed a ‘mixed’ reaction. ‘He seemed confused,’ Susan later recalled. ‘One minute he was really excited, saying, “We’ll need to have another baby right after so there’s not a big age gap,” and the next moment he was freaking out about what it meant for his career.’

Still, the couple pressed ahead, put an offer on a larger house and started discussing names. Two weeks later, Vincent left for a Strictly tour – and promptly threw himself into an affair with fellow dancer Kristina Rihanoff (neglecting to tell her about Susan or the baby). He later confessed all to Susan, but flitted between the two women, blowing hot then cold, sometimes begging Susan’s forgiveness, before creeping off to meet Kristina.

Ten months on, Susan is living with her parents and newborn son. However, she and Vincent have not ruled out reconciliation – and are sufficiently united to pose for Hello! ‘Susan and I are bonding more now,’ said Vincent.

‘I’m going to be the best dad ever.’ The pregnancy, it seems, simply frightened the life out of Vincent, and he describes the experience as a mini-breakdown. ‘I was a mess,’ he explains. ‘When I look back at that time, I just see dark, a blur. I went off the rails. It wasn’t me.’ Even Kristina has backed this up, saying to the press, ‘I think Vincent was very confused and scared about becoming a father and panicked.’

In fact, the pre-baby fling may be more common than we suppose. While newly pregnant women are grappling with swirling hormones and a rapidly changing body shape, men have their own issues to fret over: responsibility, commitment and, realistically speaking, a lot less sex. An affair offers a refuge and, if need be, an exit.

Psychologist Robert Rodriguez, author of What’s Your Pregnant Man Thinking?, has worked with expectant couples for more than 20 years. His own surveys suggest that
ten per cent of men – the majority of them previously faithful – cheat on their partners during pregnancy.

A trawl through the internet would seem to back this up. On Mumsnet.com, the popular UK forum for mothers, a distraught user seeks advice after finding her husband strayed during her pregnancy. Elsewhere in cyberspace, a woman wonders why her husband stayed glued to her side through 16 years of fertility treatment, only to begin an affair when she became pregnant with twins.

In Sydney, there’s a woman whose husband of five years attributed his odd, erratic behaviour to his fears of impending fatherhood. In fact, he had also started a relationship with a colleague. ‘He was pretending to be unsure about being a dad, but really he was taking that time to romance and feather his nest before departing,’ the now single mother tells her online community.

Vincent with Susan Duddy. Though not together now, they haven’t ruled out giving their relationship another try

So what is happening? Surely there’s more to this than the fact that women may feel a little more tired and emotional and a little less attractive during the pregnant months? Even supermodel Heidi Klum found herself high and dry after becoming pregnant by F1’s Flavio Briatore. On the day that she announced she was expecting, he was papped kissing jewellery heiress Fiona Swarovski. But Heidi went on to meet singer Seal – while still pregnant – and she’s just had baby number four, a girl, to add to their brood.

Simon Jacobs, a psychotherapist who specialises in group counselling for men, certainly thinks that expectant fathers are affected. ‘Pregnancy – particularly when it’s your first – can be quite a lonely experience for men,’ he says. ‘There’s a lot of support for a woman – she slots into a community and has a high social status. There’s an excitement around her. People give her their seat on the train. She almost becomes public property. Her partner can soon start feeling like a spare part.’

At the same time, almost without exception, the man will be experiencing a whole range of emotions – from elation to pure panic. ‘There are fears around loss of control, loss of independence and feeling suddenly depended upon,’ says Jacobs. ‘The responsibility is a huge thing. A baby means a much bigger commitment than mere marriage.’

On top of this is a loss of identity. ‘Just as women often struggle with their place in the world as they enter motherhood, so do men,’ says Jacobs. ‘It sounds stereotypical, but, for many men, the ability to attract women is a huge issue, crucial to self-esteem. The image of a dad is less James Bond, and generally someone less dynamic. It’s the picture of cosy evenings in, reading bedtime stories to the children.’

‘Susan and I are bonding more now. I’m going to be the best dad ever’

Most damaging of all, however, is the fact that few men are likely to voice any of the above, and few pregnant women will want to hear it even if they do. ‘A pregnant woman wants to hear that her partner feels strong and solid and will be there for her all the way,’ says Jacobs. ‘In reality, I doubt that’s true for any man 100 per cent of the time. Men aren’t known to be great communicators, so what tends to happen is that their anxieties become internalised. And being isolated with difficult feelings can be a lethal combination.’

Reluctant to excuse the inexcusable, Jacobs does believe that a pre-baby fling can almost be a ‘cry for help. He may feel sidelined, neglected, frozen out by a preoccupied, pregnant partner. Some men do crave an awful lot of attention,’ he says. ‘The affair may be an indirect, inappropriate expression of all his suppressed fears; a way of saying what he’s unable to admit – to himself or anyone else.’

And it can also double up as an exit strategy. Alison, 44, had been with her husband Nick for four years when she became pregnant. It was only after the arrival of their daughter that she discovered he had begun an affair with a colleague four months into the pregnancy and ended it shortly before the birth.

‘Looking back, I can see that he had used various delaying tactics before agreeing to start a family,’ says Alison. ‘First he said we needed a bigger house, then he wanted to start a new business. Eventually, he couldn’t delay any more.’

Pregnancy was a challenge for Nick – a driven businessman who liked being in control and was used to being number one in Alison’s life. ‘He’d always said he wanted children, but when it actually happened I think he found himself way out of his comfort zone and panicked,’ says Alison.

‘As he saw it, an affair would offer an obvious escape route. It was fight or flight, and he chose to flee.’ When their daughter was a few months old, and they were still adjusting to life with a newborn, Nick reignited the affair and left. ‘He’d got it all set up and was out of the door before I had time to catch my breath,’ says Alison.

Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of When Good People Have Affairs, believes that, in some cases, pregnancy can act as the ultimate affair accelerator. ‘He may have been faithful up until this point, but he could still be harbouring doubts,’ she says.

‘A pregnancy will instantly magnify any pre-existing issues. The walls of domesticity close in and a man may feel he’s in too deep. A pre-baby fling can be a means of exit – but one that’s messy, stressful and terrifically painful.’

The mess and pain can have terrible consequences. Tests on pregnant women have found that, during stressful times, the foetal heart rate goes up. Immense stress during pregnancy has been linked to slower growth and smaller babies, as well as an increased risk of preterm delivery. While Susan Duddy struggled to save her relationship with Vincent Simone, she was rushed to hospital suffering severe stomach pains and a threatened miscarriage.

Can any relationship survive such a betrayal? Do Susan and Vincent stand any hope of raising Lucas as one happy family? Relate counsellor Mo Kurimbokus says yes – though probably only with professional help.

‘If you have two people committed to that relationship, no matter how difficult the situation, of course you can make it through,’ he says. ‘But first you would need real, true communication, to talk to one another and listen, and really understand the feelings and emotions that have been hidden.’

Simon Jacobs, however, is less optimistic. ‘I suspect it breaks most relationships,’ he says. ‘It has to be the worst possible time to cheat. A woman is so vulnerable – physically and emotionally. You’re laying the foundations for the future and if a man is willing to risk everything at a time like that, you have to ask whether he’s capable of maintaining all the responsibility that comes with a family. I think it’s doubtful.’

If cyberspace is any indicator, it seems that, for most women, a pre-baby fling blows away any chance of a happy ending. It’s just a betrayal too far.

The single mother in Sydney says she’s ‘doing OK’ with her three-month-old baby – and advises women to record their partners’ conversations…

On Mumsnet.com, a woman whose husband initiated a pre-baby fling with an ex when she was just three months pregnant knew immediately that forgiveness was off the agenda. There was no need for a scene, no point in discussion. She kept her discovery secret and chose her moment. ‘I waited three months and asked him very calmly to leave on 1 April,’ she writes. ‘I had the last laugh.’