Dear Future Pregnant Self,

Congratulations, you are expecting baby number (2? 3? 10?)! Do you remember the first time you were pregnant? Your poor husband cringed every time you opened your mouth. Go ahead; ask him if he remembers that first pregnancy. “You were mean,” he’ll say. It’s time to face the truth. You were not a very nice pregnant woman. Even though you blamed your sharp tongue and bossy behavior on your raging pregnancy hormones, there is no excuse. You even made your sister cry when labor set in. That’s just wrong.

This time you need to do a little preemptive heart surgery, so to speak. Sure, those hormones may make you want to spew whatever order or criticism that comes to mind in the heat of the moment; but have you considered that what comes out of your mouth has more to do with what’s hiding in your heart than what’s hiding in your womb? I propose a three prong attack to prevent any further damage this time around.

1. Address concerns before they come up, while you still have a clear head and minimal emotional involvement. Talk openly with your husband about what is important to you. For example, do you need help carrying the laundry up and down stairs? Or are you afraid of slipping on the snowy driveway because your balance is a little unsteady, and you want to make sure he keeps up with the shoveling? If you talk about it and make plans ahead of time, you’ll be less likely to get into a situation where you need help and he is not immediately available or prepared to provide it. Sometimes our men don’t realize how big of a deal something is until after the fact, when we’re already beat red with steam coming out of our ears, and that’s not really fair to either party.

2. Practice gratitude. One of the best ways to counter a bad attitude is to focus on being thankful for the blessings in your life. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for in your husband, your children, and your family. Make an extra effort to voice your gratitude to your family when it’s appropriate. Make sure your husband knows how much you appreciate his help during your pregnancy. The more you voice your gratitude, the more it will sink in and really begin to change the way you react to life.

3. Smile, ponder, and then respond. Smiling releases endorphins and serotonin. That means smiling can instantly alter your physical and emotional state for the better, which is particularly important if you were about to bite your husband’s head off for not shoveling the driveway 2.5 seconds after you asked him to. Once you smile, (even if it’s at the wall), you will be better able to think clearly. Ask yourself, “Do I really want to say that? How will it affect the rest of the evening? Will that hurt this person’s feelings?” Finally respond in the way you will wish you had ten minutes from now, when there is an uncomfortable silence in the room and tears stain your sister’s face. Please, smile first, fake it if you have to, think for one moment, and then respond appropriately. Knee-jerk, progesterone and estrogen-laced reactions are usually pretty destructive.

Be a nicer pregnant woman than you were last time. Not only will you provide a better example for your kids, but your husband and family will be able to enjoy the nine-month ride a little more, too.

Sincerely,

Your Currently Not Pregnant (Clear Minded and Polite) Self

As promised, here are your top five pregnancy milestones:

5. First time dad feels a kick
How many times have you felt the baby move from the outside, placed the dad-to-be’s hand on the spot, only to have the baby stop moving? The first time he finally does feel the baby’s kicks, it’s a big deal! Something about feeling a baby’s movements makes everything seem so much more real. For some guys, this will be the first time he really connects with his child.

4. First heartbeat
Raise your hand if you cried the first time you heard your baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler or ultrasound. I know I did! I really surprised myself because I did not anticipate having such a strong emotional reaction, but it was one of the most moving moments of my life.

3. First ultrasound
For me, this milestone happened at the same time as the heartbeat, because my doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler. Seeing your child wiggle around, watching their heart beat even though they are not even a centimeter long yet: it is awe inspiring.

2. First kicks
Mother and baby really begin to bond when the baby makes his or her presence known in a way that no one else is aware. From that point on, a pregnant woman’s mind is always on her child. The baby seems to react to everything she eats, wakes her up at night, interrupts her conversations and always finds the most painful spot to jab. Sometimes the baby seems to move in a way that almost feels… affectionate and sweet. The first flutter, though, is just a tiny, innocent movement that may have the mom-to-be questioning, “Did I really just feel what I thought I felt?”

1. Finding out you’re pregnant
Of course this had to be number one! I love hearing about different women’s reactions to finding out they are pregnant. Some cry tears of joy, some jump up and down and some scream. Some begin secretly planning elaborate and creative ways to share the news. The most exciting milestone of pregnancy is definitely the very beginning.

A few minutes after my baby boy entered the world, I felt another contraction coming on, weaker than the rest. It felt like a dry heave and like it was second nature, I gave a quick push. The placenta came flying out like a vaginal sneeze. I hope you weren’t just eating dinner while you read that last line. Don’t worry, I had the same reaction. The doctor held it up and I exclaimed, “Ugh, that’s attractive!” To this day, I still don’t know why I said that. My husband still makes fun of me for it because he claims the doctor looked a little taken aback. I maintain that I can’t be held responsible for anything I say during childbirth. After all, I also yelled “I’m pooping!” to which the nurse responded with something to the effect of, “That’s not poop, it’s the baby’s head.” I feel like I owe the little guy an apology.

All jokes aside, the third stage of labor is often forgotten. It is an afterthought, never mentioned on TV or in movies unless there is a complication (such as when the placenta does not detach like it is supposed to). Sometimes referred to as the afterbirth, the placenta is the perfect genetic counterpart to the baby, life support for the whole nine months in the womb. The placenta and the baby come from the same initial group of cells after conception. Perhaps this is why some traditions refer to the placenta as a twin. There is a lot of folk lore associated with the placenta, and to this day, there are many different cultural traditions. Some people even eat the placenta. (Again, I’m sorry if you are eating dinner right now.) Most of the time, the hospital discards it.

After the placenta comes out, contractions continue, but they are very small. Their purpose is to shrink the uterus to the original size, and they intensify a little bit during breastfeeding. Usually an over the counter pain reliever is all that is needed to bring relief.

I read the strangest piece of news tonight. Apparently people are rubbing a cream containing HCG on their wrists and cutting their daily calorie intake down to 500 in an effort to lose weight rapidly. It’s called the HCG diet. HCG is the same pregnancy hormone that is detected by home pregnancy tests. HCG stands for human chorionic gonadotropin. It is first produced by the growing embryo and later by the placenta. The theory is that the synthetic HCG tricks the body into thinking it is pregnant and needs to pull nutrients from the body’s fat stores. It should be noted that the FDA does not approve prescribing HCG for the purpose of weight loss.

Two immediate reactions come to mind. First of all, I think you could rub water on your wrists, and if you were only eating 500 calories a day, you would lose weight pretty quickly. 500 calories is a bowl of cereal and a sandwich. That’s called a starvation diet, and it will likely screw up your metabolism. I believe the HCG acts as a placebo, if anything, tricking the dieters into thinking their appetite is suppressed, when in fact they are probably just more conscious of their true hunger cues.

Second, if HCG causes weight loss, why do most pregnant women begin gaining weight early in their pregnancy (unless they are suffering severe morning sickness, in which case they are not getting enough calories because they are throwing up their food)? HCG triggers the secretion of progesterone. Progesterone promotes appetite and fat storage. Anyone who has ever been pregnant knows that pregnancy makes you hungry, not the opposite. This just further proves that it is not the HCG, but the extremely restrictive diet that is causing people to lose weight on this diet.

What will they think of next?

In the last segment, I told you about some simple ways to use vinegar and baking soda to clean your house. It’s a great way to avoid the use of harsh chemicals, which is especially important during pregnancy, and it’s good for the environment, too. There are other natural and safe ingredients you can use to clean as well.

For disinfecting surfaces, tea tree oil is a natural disinfectant. You can find tea tree oil at your local drug store or health store. Mix two cups of water, three tablespoons of liquid soap, and about 25 drops of tea tree oil together. You can spray or rub this mixture on hard surfaces to kill germs naturally.

Lemon juice is another great cleaning ingredient. You can mix a few tablespoons of lemon juice with a tablespoon of baking soda and it makes the perfect paste for polishing brass and copper. Lemon is also handy for adding to vinegar to neutralize the smell while cleaning. This might be especially helpful for pregnant women, since the scent of lemon is known to help with morning sickness as well. Speaking of smells, grind a lemon in your garbage disposal to freshen it up when it gets stinky.

I’ll bet you didn’t know you could use regular old table salt to clean. Not only is it safe, it’s really cheap, too. Salt is great for scrubbing without scratching. You can add it to your other natural solutions for extra scrubbing power. Salt is also great for absorbing spills in the oven. Sprinkle salt on the spill when it happens and wipe it up with a damp sponge once the oven cools.

Not all store bought cleaners are evil, but there are definitely some that you should stay away from while pregnant: aerosol sprays, cleaners containing ammonia, chlorine, ether, glycol, pesticides, and insecticides.

I was guilty of it. Most women are guilty of it during their first pregnancy. I bet many of you did this as well. As soon as your pants were even remotely tight, you donned the maternity pants. You might have put on the whole ensemble, including the adorable fitted shirt with side ruching. First time moms are notorious for pulling out the maternity wardrobe long before it’s absolutely necessary, while it’s not uncommon to see “experienced” moms waiting until the last second. In protest, they button their pants with an elastic band and stretch out their t-shirts.

Putting on maternity clothes is like an outward parade of all the excitement going on inside that no one can see. For weeks upon weeks, you know that you are carrying a precious bundle around, but you feel as though all anyone else sees is bloating. But when you slip on that empire wasted blouse with the bow, it feels like you’re wearing a sign that says, “I’m not getting fat; I’m pregnant.” It’s not just the maternity clothes for first time mommies, though. You find yourself relaxing your stomach so it protrudes a little more (ruining your posture in the process), placing your hand on your belly, and making a big deal about your fifth trip to the bathroom. You relish in refusing the wine sample at Olive Garden (“I can’t, I’m pregnant.”), you linger in the baby aisle at Target, and you head up for seconds at the buffet with no shame or guilt, announcing to a perfect stranger at the salad bar that you’re eating for two.

Plenty of women get just as excited about subsequent pregnancies, I’m sure, but a lot of the novelty wears off. You realize that once you put on those maternity pants, there’s no turning back until after the delivery and you know how much you will miss your old wardrobe. You anticipate the overload of comments and questions so you hesitate to announce or display your pregnancy to every stranger you come across. Eating for two (more like three for some of us with a sweet tooth) isn’t as exciting when you remember how much work it was to lose the baby weight from child number one.

Even though every pregnancy is different, second pregnancies aren’t as bewildering, and with a child to take care of already, there isn’t time to dwell on the little novelties like there was with the first. We focus on the children that we have and look forward to the new addition more than we focus on the pregnancy itself. Perhaps it’s because we realized that while pregnancy is exciting, it has nothing on the sweetness of a newborn. Its memory fades so quickly once that child is placed in our arms for the first time.

Breastfeeding is a foreign concept to many new moms-to-be. The majority of babies are fed formula, so a woman is not likely to see a whole lot of nursing happening around her throughout her life. When I took a breastfeeding class while I was pregnant, the instructor asked, ‘how many of you have ever seen a mother nurse her child?’ Out of the whole room, only two or three women raised their hands. Because of this, breastfeeding can be hard for new moms because there is not a lot of support for her in terms of advice and help, because it’s likely most of her friends have never done it, or only nursed for the first few weeks.

I highly recommend taking a breastfeeding class if you are thinking about nursing your baby. In addition to learning the proper technique for holding the baby and getting her to latch on correctly, breastfeeding classes will also teach you where to find support when you run into problems. You will likely walk away with a very large packet of resources for everything from sore nipples to mastitis to biting issues (don’t worry, not every baby bites!) and more.

You may also wonder if you have to prepare your nipples for nursing. It was once believed that women should “rough up” their nipples with a toothbrush or wash cloth to prevent soreness, but this is actually not true. You could make things worse because you will irritate the skin and strip the natural oils that protect the nipple from chafing.

It is a good idea to stock up on some essentials before you begin your nursing journey. Having nipple cream, a few good nursing bras, and nursing pads on hand will make things a lot easier. They also have special pads that you can warm in the microwave or chill in the fridge to help with engorgement. Those can be a lifesaver! It’s also helpful to have a good nursing book handy in case you have any questions. The book offered by La Leche League has a lot of really useful information. It even tells you how to safely lose weight while nursing without affecting your milk supply.

Some women significantly reduce their workload, exercise and activity level during pregnancy. Some women have to because of a high risk pregnancy and others have always been taught that this is the right thing to do to keep both mom and baby healthy. But a growing number of women are of the mindset that pregnancy doesn’t have to slow you down at all, at least until the sheer size and weight of the baby in the final trimester begins to get in the way. Research shows that exercise is safe and healthy for pregnant women. We know more about what our pregnant bodies can handle. For healthy women with uncomplicated pregnancies, despite all the scary warnings that seem to spew out of well intentioned people’s mouths when they see a burgeoning belly, there aren’t too many things a pregnant woman is barred from doing. Pregnancy is a condition, but certainly not an illness! There is no reason to take it lying down…

I am inspired by one of Canada’s Olympic athletes, Kristie Moore. She is only the third pregnant woman to ever compete in the entire history of the Olympics. She is an alternate on Canada’s curling team. Due in May, she is still able to participate in all aspects of the sport, and only expects to face difficulties in the final months when balance becomes in issue.

At least Moore doesn’t have to hide her pregnancy. Typically sports and pregnancy have not mixed very well in the past. If you do a quick search for “pregnant athlete,” you will find several stories of women who hid their pregnancies in the field or on the court for as long as they could because they knew they would be benched if their team found out. Some athletes have been able to hide their pregnancy up until a few weeks before delivery!

Do you tend to take it easy during your pregnancy or do you make an effort to continue to do the things you love?

Unless you have faced a major illness earlier in life, it’s more than likely that you will visit the doctor as many times during your pregnancy, if not more, than you have in your entire life. Pregnancy checkups occur monthly at first, and by the end of your pregnancy, they happen weekly and sometimes twice a week depending on your level of risk. With such frequent visits, you should probably be aware of the rules, some unspoken, of what you should do and not do when you are in for a checkup.

Be clean. Someone once told me that it is amazing how many women show up for a pelvic exam and it is clear that they have not showered. Always brush your teeth before going to the dentist. Always shower before going to the gynecologist. It’s only fair! While hygiene is essential, pretty grooming is not. There is no need to shave or wax before a checkup. Your doctor does not care if you have stubble on your legs or anywhere else.

Be on time. Doctors are on a tight schedule. When his office kindly asks you to show up to your appointment ten minutes early, do so! If every patient is a few minutes late, by the afternoon, your doctor is running an hour behind. Not only does he have to work later than expected, but his afternoon patients will have the displeasure of sitting in the waiting room for an extended period of time. On the same token, if you cannot make it to your appointment, call and cancel as soon as possible so another person can take your spot on the schedule.

Be prepared. Write out your questions ahead of time so that you can give them to the nurse while she checks your weight, blood pressure, etc. This way she can give them to the doctor right away and he will have time to address all your concerns without you feeling rushed. No question is too small or too silly, but dragging out an appointment because you cannot remember what you were going to ask (it’s on the tip of your tongue!) is impolite to the patients who waiting for their appointment.

As with anything else, it is always best to use common sense and be courteous!

Getting your figure back in shape after having a baby is hard work. You have to find time to exercise and cook healthy meals, which can be especially difficult when you have a baby to care for. Plus, getting in shape after having a baby is much harder than under normal circumstances since pregnancy really does a number on those abdominal muscles. Recently, I was talking with my sister in law about getting back in shape and she asked me, “What’s the point? You’re just going to get pregnant [and ruin your stomach] again.” I think a lot of women share that sentiment. If you’re planning on having more kids, why not just have all the kids and then get back in shape?

Women tend to gain a certain amount of weight with each pregnancy that does not magically melt on its own. Some women will tell you they gained 10 pounds with each child and that is how they ended up becoming over weight. It doesn’t take an expert to tell you that it is much easier to lose 10 pounds than it is to lose 30 or more. That is just one reason to get back in shape after each pregnancy.

It is also easier to carry a baby when your body is in shape. Pregnancy really takes its toll on your joints and muscles. Having a strong core will help you support the added weight of the pregnancy, reduce your risk of injury, and aid you in “snapping back” after you have the baby.

One big reason to lose the baby weight and get in shape is it reduces your risk of complications during your next pregnancy. Being overweight has been found to increase your chances of having a super-sized baby and/or develop preeclampsia. Big babies put both the mother and the baby at risk for delivery complications. Large babies are difficult to deliver and the baby is at risk from complications such as shoulder dislocation.

Your health is not something to put off until you’ve had all your babies; it is something to be maintained throughout and between your pregnancies. Make an effort to lose excess weight and become physically fit; the benefits are extensive and you will never regret it.